Needing to Adjust My Sails

"She stands in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails." ~ Elizabeth Edwards

Lately, I have been having a lot of aha! moments, but when I saw the above quote, this morning, it was the fuel that reignited my fire. For the past several months, I feel as though I've been at a crossroad and frankly not knowing which way to go. So there I've stood, in a state of uncertainty and lack of clarity about what I thought was at one point a certainty about my life and that is, my destiny.

Deep down, I still believe that my purpose and my destiny is what I believed it to be initially, which is to inspire and empower others into their destiny. The uncertainty and the lack of clarity comes from the 'how' to do it; the avenue to follow to get there. I thought that I knew what it was, and it may very well still be, but for the past several months, I've had more questions than answers about that. And being consumed by all of the voices, opinions and socialization that surrounds me, is not making it any easier.

What I do know, is that I'm feeling like a butterfly, who in the early stages, is in a cocoon, struggling to break free from the shell that holds it captive, but is very necessary for its growth. If that butterfly does not go through that struggle in order to be free, which is actually strengthening its wings so that they are strong enough to fly, then once it is free from the shell, it will fall flat, unable to soar.

There are so many things that I desire to do and places where I desire to be other than where I am now, but cant seem to figure out to get there or if those things are the right choices for me. I saw this other quote from Bishop TD Jakes that spells it out for me as well, "If you don't challenge your fear, you will never find out your true potential." This quote and the analogy of the butterfly explains what I am feeling right now. I feel as though I am stuck in this shell, wanting to break out NOW to soar and fly, but not sure if I am 'strengthened' intellectually, emotionally and definitely spiritually enough so that I wont fall any flatter than what I am now, once I am free.  Some may perceive this to be fear in that it makes me afraid to just take the leap and indeed you may be right in your perception. Others may perceive it be smart and to not leap before you're prepared and indeed you are also right in your perception. Either way, perception is reality, so you would be right in whatever yours is.

But the quandary that I face is I need to know which perception is right for me at this very moment. When I think that I have it all figured out, something happens that makes me question myself. Am I heading in the right direction? Am I knocking on the wrong doors? Am I making the right connections?  Will the path that I choose sustain me spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and financially? And if I have to make some sacrifices and choose otherwise, for the time being, what are those sacrifices and what do I replace them with?

And then there is that one question that I know that I need to make some hard choices about and that is have I 'really' let go of some people and some things that are keeping me stuck in the past? Am I currently socializing and growing in the right circles including family, friendly, professionally or otherwise. And the answer to that is no, I am not. But I know that in order to continue to break free from the cocoon, build strength and grow, then I'm going to have to. I am going to sever those relationships that are negative, bring about negative energy from fear based people. Lately, I have been consuming too much of that from people who live their lives based on some sort of fear, consciously and unconsciously. I see it in them but also know that they are not ready to 'receive' it if I tell them about it. So, I must make the hard choice to just cut the ties that bind and move forward for my own sake.

"Change hurts…growth hurts. But it’s all worth it not to die in your nest." ~ Bishop TD Jakes

One thing that I have noticed for sure is that I don't have a 'best friend or BFF' and have not had one for a very long time, since my girl, Latonya, made her transition in 2008. I do have family members who I socialize with and then there is one of my sisters who I am closest to. And there are others with whom I consider to be friends and we actually speak every couple of months. But other than that, no BFF. And I'm beginning to realize that I miss that kind of connection with someone, which is a sort of soulful and spiritual way to share and understand exactly where the other one is coming from. I feel that this type of connection is missing from my life and that I have no one to talk to who would really understand where I am, right here, right now in this very moment.

Could this be another reason that I'm feeling stuck and needing to adjust my sails? If so, what are those necessary adjustments to make and how do I make them? These thoughts consume me as I must seek to find answers to these questions.

Sandi

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